Sunday, March 26, 2006

TENERO COME IL CUORE DEL CROTALO - capitolo 1

ESSERE O NON ESSERE: OH, SE SOLO FOSSI STATO

Sono morto, semplicemente morto. Una voce dal televisore. Di quelle che ti augurano, puntuali ogni notte, sogni d’oro. Quelle che ti mettono in contatto col caro estinto. Io sono morto da solo. Non mi si può vendere a nessuno. E tanto per far piazza pulita di tutte le cazzate sulla morte ti dico subito che non c’è nessun tunnel con la luce in fondo, nessun coro d’angeli. C’è solo il mondo, come lo vedi tu: con le verdi praterie e la merda dei cani sui marciapiedi. Cosa sono ora non lo so, d’altra parte nemmeno lo sapevo quando ero vivo, quindi tutto fila.
Mi presento col nome che i miei sciagurati genitori mi hanno messo al collo come un masso nel momento in cui mi hanno sbattuto in questo mondo.
Mi chiamo Troy, un nome che suona duro e volgare come una bestemmia e allo stesso tempo nobile e potente come un dio. Un nome che avrei visto meglio sulle copertine delle riviste porno, piuttosto che su un ipertricotico ragazzo svezzato dalle teorie comportamentistiche di Palo Alto.
Sono stato, o meglio ho cercato di essere, il meglio di quello che volevate vedere da me, il Dio che la vostra America ha sempre cercato. Non sono quindi mai stato se non nel mio lato più vero, quello più oscuro e affascinante con cui difficilmente ci si mette in relazione, quello che va custodito gelosamente come un tesoro in fondo all’anima. Come quando dici vaffanculo a tua madre ma lo fai senza che lei ti senta. Per il resto è vita straordinariamente banale: un appartamento ostentato come un loft sulla fifth avenue, una laurea in economia, una promettente carriera nella pubblicità, carte di credito, frequent flyer e tutti quegli orpelli di cui andavo tanto fiero. Le donne!!!! Oh si, le donne!!! Fiere mercenarie di sesso e sentimenti firmati. I miei amati simulacri che talvolta, e nemmeno troppo spesso, facevano l’amore col mio narcisismo, quelle che attendevano agognanti di poter sospendere la scopata per l’ennesimo giro di coca. E poi tutto il mondo intorno: né uomini, né donne (quelli infatti si chiamano Carla, Anna o Paolo), bensì una serie infinita di animali rari come me, tutti con nomi assurdi, tutti usciti in parata a far mostra della loro scintillante inconsistenza. Se solo sapessero, se solo avessero mai saputo quanto è falso il cielo in cui credono di volare...
Ma torniamo al mondo da cui vengo e nel quale, anche se non so ancora per quanto, sarò.
Chi sono. Sono ciò che tu vuoi. Un uomo del tutto simile a quelli sulla copertina delle riviste discretamente esibite sulla scrivania. Con il fascino brizzolato e quel sorriso ammiccante che è parte di un impeccabile stile. Come a dire, vuoi essere come me? Vuoi essere uno di quelli che si fanno scopare da superfighe e che addirittura si fanno pagare per farlo? O magari sei uno che paga per scopare una puttana col sorriso di Julia Roberts? Che desolazione: tutti sanno benissimo che la risposta alla domanda è una scopata monosettimanale con, quando va bene, una che non fa la modella perché non scende a compromessi: evidentemente un pompino a un pubblicitario è pertanto amore vero. Per quanto mi riguarda, se una griffe assume significati esoterici e mistici anche su un corpo del tutto mediocre e drammaticamente ipertricotico come il mio, l’apoteosi è compiuta. Eccomi. Con tutta la mia arroganza. Finto e ingenuo come quei vecchi film degli anni cinquanta dove uno sguardo sfuggente dagli occhiali scuri presagiva chissà quali prodezza erotiche. Si scopa. In realtà non mi era difficile fare la superstar: con tutta quella polvere alla fine mi sembrava veramente di essere Richard Gere e che la fortunata eletta invece che la "wannabe" di turno fosse Julia Roberts. O meglio il mio cazzo faceva tutto da solo, separato da me.
Ma cominciamo con ordine, da quell’età che non vale la pena di ricordare. Quando nasci non sei diverso da un cucciolo di qualsiasi altro animale se non per una cosa: che sei già molto più stronzo. Stronzo perché mangeresti il cuore di tua sorella per avere tutto l’affetto dei tuoi, stronzo perché sei capace di ogni menzogna per salvarti il culo, stronzo perché sai usare le lacrime come qualsiasi attricetta di quart’ordine. Ne parlo qui di quei maledetti primi cinque anni così me li faccio fuori dai coglioni e via. Come ho detto non ho un granchè di ricordi. Il primo, e forse l’unico, è sicuramente quello della piccola Jezabel, mia sorella, un’altra povera sfigata che grazie alla fantasia malata dei miei si è portata addosso il nome di una troia fenicia che ha praticamente mandato a puttane il suo popolo in nome di un Dio egotico e capriccioso. Alla mia nascita la scena più o meno doveva essere: Jezabel studia il modo migliore per farmi fuori e io il baby di Rosemary’s Baby che la guarda con occhi di fuoco da una lugubre culla nera. I nonni non c’erano già più. I miei genitori erano già allora troppo occupati a studiare i loro manuali di pedagogia alternativa per occuparsi di noi. Io e Jezabel, cazzo, non abbiamo avuto l’opportunità di contenderci l’amore dei nostri genitori. Per loro era troppo importante il significato simbolico di girare nudi per casa e anche, in quei rari momenti in cui capitava che ci tenessero in braccio era perché qualche psicologo aveva detto che bisognava farlo. Ci amavamo tra noi e ciò ci bastava. Nel frattempo succedeva di tutto: noi non eravamo che le cavie da laboratorio dei nostri genitori. E quando, poco prima dei cinque anni ho lasciato uno stronzo fumante nell’esatto centro del talamo nuziale, mio padre è corso festante a chiamare mia madre fiero della mia “primordiale istintività liberata”. Forse, in quell’occasione, mi ha amato davvero. Jez no. Lei a suo modo mi amava sempre, era utile e importante per me tanto quanto io lo ero per lei. Non esagero quindi se dico che per Jez sono forse stato l’unico uomo della sua vita. Prima che decidesse, o meglio che mia madre decidesse in vece sua, di donare il suo corpo e la sua anima agli alberi dell’ashram di Poona. Per quanto riguarda mia madre, beh non so in quegli anni, ma devo dire che se tanto mi da tanto, vista l’assenza degli anni successivi non credo si sia curata eccessivamente di me e di Jez quando eravamo piccoli. I suoi manuali della perfetta madre alternativa erano il solo nutrimento della sua misticissima mente. Nel frattempo noi crescevamo e quando mamma avrebbe potuto mettere in atto quanto imparato, tempo scaduto! Eravamo già troppo grandi, troppo soli e troppo assenti da noi stessi. Game over.

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